I asked a new friend if I could use this. he said it was cool, so here it is.

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An open to letter to "Those People"
Wednesday March 2, 2005

Dear Anonymous "Those,people"

I would like to offer you a little tip, one that will keep you entertained for hours, one that should ease the pain you must feel from never having had a boyfriend/girlfriend/friend.

What you will need
Your favourite 2 second porn clip.
If you are left handed, your right arm. If you are right handed, your left arm.
Screen wipes.

Method

Open up your favourite porn clip and set it to loop continuously. Try and find one that loops smoothly, this will enhance the experience no end. Or, if you have a credit card, go one better, download a full movie!

Now, take that arm of yours (remember use the one that you don't write with, this again will enhance the experience and leave you free to make one or two word, dull ass, anonymous comments). Sit on your arm for twenty minutes or at least until it goes really numb.

Hopefully, this numbness will alleviate some of your loneliness, for I hear tell that it is not dissimilar to having someone else do it for you. Note: If it's close but not quite what you were looking for, try sticking your tongue out a little during the process, this may help.

The screen wipes are, I admit, a little ambitious. I think it is unlikely you will need them to wipe down your monitor, though I may be underestimating the excitement factor here. Either way they are a little more subtle than having toilet roll sat on your desk and that extra moisture will help to clean up your sticky fingers.

With all this done and your sexual frustration alleviated, I hope you will now be able to interact with society in a more positive way, m'kay.

Kind Regards and Smooches,

John.

Ditto, from me!